Is It Worth It?

Money in and of itself is not evil. It's the things that you do with it, or fail to do with it, that make it good or bad. It's the way that its use makes you feel that determines money's worth. So, having said that, I hate money. I wish there were no such thing. Why can't we go back to a bartering system? I mean, I really hate it. If it wasn't for money issues getting in the way, I would be able to fulfill my purpose in life. I accept the fact that I brought the trouble on myself by making poor money decisions in the past, but had there not been money before, I would not have made those decisions that led me to where I am today. But there is a greater underlying problem here that I have not mentioned. Is it worth sacrificing even a few months' happiness in order to achieve financial freedom? I would say that if that means that money no longer holds me hostage, it probably is worth it, but I'm not sure. I am a slave to money now, and that suffering makes it hard to breathe. I know that the suffering is short term, and also that it is the solution to my woes, but is it worth it? Is it worth it to cause strife inside of me and in my marriage, even for a short time? Is it worth the pain? Sure, I'm going to be free, but at what cost?

Where did this come from, you ask? Well, as you probably know, I have two jobs and hate them both. One is extremely boring because there is no stimulation. The other is extremely stressful because I'm not very good at it. Neither one is fulfilling on any level. So, do I keep my two jobs that I can't stand and are slowly killing my spirit only because it is the fastest way to reach my goal of financial freedom? Or, throwing those things aside, do I give up on the fast track to financial peace and go now to find something that will be more fulfilling and rewarding? If I keep going on the current road, I will achieve my goal, but who will I be when I reach it? Will there be anything left in me of value? On the other hand, if I leave this path and find something more fulfilling, I will be postponing my freedom from financial bondage even longer than I was before I got on the fast track.

The question is really this: I know that the end I am trying to reach is where God wants me, I'm just not certain of the path that He would have me take to get there. Would He have me arrive quickly, but broken? Or would He have me arrive more slowly, but possibly with more (or better) character? I cannot see the path laid out for me. I do not know where to go from here. I only know that I am hurting and I want the pain to stop. What is it that God would have me learn from this? Is it perseverance through the suffering? Or, is it patience in the waiting? Both are things that I lack, so maybe it's both. Please pray for me that God would reveal His plan. Even one step, the next step, being revealed would be encouraging. Please, God, don't leave me in this darkness.