Is It Worth It?

Money in and of itself is not evil. It's the things that you do with it, or fail to do with it, that make it good or bad. It's the way that its use makes you feel that determines money's worth. So, having said that, I hate money. I wish there were no such thing. Why can't we go back to a bartering system? I mean, I really hate it. If it wasn't for money issues getting in the way, I would be able to fulfill my purpose in life. I accept the fact that I brought the trouble on myself by making poor money decisions in the past, but had there not been money before, I would not have made those decisions that led me to where I am today. But there is a greater underlying problem here that I have not mentioned. Is it worth sacrificing even a few months' happiness in order to achieve financial freedom? I would say that if that means that money no longer holds me hostage, it probably is worth it, but I'm not sure. I am a slave to money now, and that suffering makes it hard to breathe. I know that the suffering is short term, and also that it is the solution to my woes, but is it worth it? Is it worth it to cause strife inside of me and in my marriage, even for a short time? Is it worth the pain? Sure, I'm going to be free, but at what cost?

Where did this come from, you ask? Well, as you probably know, I have two jobs and hate them both. One is extremely boring because there is no stimulation. The other is extremely stressful because I'm not very good at it. Neither one is fulfilling on any level. So, do I keep my two jobs that I can't stand and are slowly killing my spirit only because it is the fastest way to reach my goal of financial freedom? Or, throwing those things aside, do I give up on the fast track to financial peace and go now to find something that will be more fulfilling and rewarding? If I keep going on the current road, I will achieve my goal, but who will I be when I reach it? Will there be anything left in me of value? On the other hand, if I leave this path and find something more fulfilling, I will be postponing my freedom from financial bondage even longer than I was before I got on the fast track.

The question is really this: I know that the end I am trying to reach is where God wants me, I'm just not certain of the path that He would have me take to get there. Would He have me arrive quickly, but broken? Or would He have me arrive more slowly, but possibly with more (or better) character? I cannot see the path laid out for me. I do not know where to go from here. I only know that I am hurting and I want the pain to stop. What is it that God would have me learn from this? Is it perseverance through the suffering? Or, is it patience in the waiting? Both are things that I lack, so maybe it's both. Please pray for me that God would reveal His plan. Even one step, the next step, being revealed would be encouraging. Please, God, don't leave me in this darkness.

What is Your Purpose?

I'm a firm believer that everyone has a purpose in this life, as well as a purpose within the Kingdom of God. Some people have one or the other figured out. For some they might both be the same thing. Personally, I feel like I know what mine is, but circumstances keep me from fulfilling it. It took me a long time to figure out what my purpose in this life is. I've always envied those who knew why they were here since they were twelve years old (my sister) or even those who figured it out in high school/college (my husband). I never was one of those people who had a lot of direction. I talked before about how I want to have a baby, but let me elaborate on that some more.

When I was younger, high school and college mostly, I was a huge feminist. I was never going to get married, I was never going to have kids, I was going to have some important career and be a "new woman." I'm serious about this. I didn't learn how to cook when my mom and grandma were teaching my sister, because I wasn't going to do those girly things. I didn't dress like a woman. I didn't do girly things like crafts or watch girly movies (I still don't really do that very often...unless I have a friend who wants to see a girly movie). Anything that was associated with the word "woman" was off-limits. That changed a very little bit in college when I joined a sorority (actually, it was a woman's fraternity, but let's not get too technical here), but I still was very independent and played men more than they played me (you should have seen the reaction when a guy who thought he was dating me saw me with somebody else...highly entertaining). I still didn't have any direction, but I did know where I wasn't going, which was into the kitchen.

After I graduated from college, though, a lot of things changed all at once. I met a man who I actually cared about and who was unlike any man I had ever met. He liked me for me, despite all of my faults (and there were and still are a lot of them). I realized that my life was empty and that the hole that I was filling with beer and men could only be filled with the love of Jesus. I married that man (gasp) and began a life with him that was unlike any I had ever planned. I'd say probably the winter after we got married I started itching for a baby. That was a feeling I had never felt before and it was one that has waxed and waned since then, but is pretty constantly there now. At that point I was still thinking "family + career," despite the fact that I still had no idea what that career would be. I was still a very strong feminist at that point and was pretty resentful when anybody tried to put me in the woman's camp. I was empowered and wasn't going to have anybody telling me what a woman was. During the four years since then, though, things have changed.

I bounced around from one job to the next (six jobs in four and a half years) trying to find something that would fulfill me. Some of the things that I've done have been boring, some have been hard, none have been fulfilling. While I was home visiting family in January, though, I came to the realization that no J O B is going to satisfy me, because I'm meant to be a mom. I think that I had known that for a long time, but kept trying to deny it, which is why I tried a lot of things like going back to school and trying new jobs that I thought would fulfill me. No matter what happens, though, I end up at the same point: I want to be a mom. Now the feminists out there are probably saying that I'm taking a step backward, but I would ask you this: is it any less empowering to choose to be a mother than it is to choose to be a lawyer? If I am the one making that choice and it isn't being forced on me, then I am no less empowered than the woman doctor, the woman factory worker, the woman physicist. The thing that I have learned lately, the thing that I have been seeing for so long, but could not quite make out until recently, is that just because something is traditionally feminine, doesn't make it bad. The truth is, I love to cook, I love to knit, I love to be a wife, and I will love being a mom.

So, having said all of that, this is where the depression kicks in. I am kept from fulfilling my purpose in life by circumstances. Bad decisions from my past led to huge amounts of debt that now needs to be paid off before I can stop working. Hence the new job. I mentioned before that I was going to have to quit my job that I liked for something that I probably wouldn't. Well, I did just that and now I am more miserable than I would have been if I had just stuck with the old one and paid off the loans in fifteen months. Now I'll pay off the debt faster, but at what price? The whole process is destroying me and putting a huge strain on my marriage. Not to mention the fact that, since I can't work the number of hours that I need to in order to achieve my six-to-nine month pay off goal, I'm no better off than I was before. I mean, it's not worth it to have a job I hate for an entire year. The truth is, I don't hate my new job, I'm just not very good at it, which is very discouraging and makes me want to give up on the whole thing. I'm the kind of person who doesn't really like doing things that I'm not good at. The problem is that the kind of things I am good at (or would be good at if I tried them) are not the kinds of things that pay well.

So, here I am. Unfulfilled, destroying the man that I love, and getting nowhere in the process. I'm the kind of person who needs a cause (a Persister, if that means anything to any of you), but I have none right now. My family is my cause, but I'm far away from my relatives and am kept from starting my family here. I blame myself and nobody else for my circumstances, because if I had made better decisions in my past, then I wouldn't be stuck right now. That's what it's like, being stuck in a hole, one so deep that I can't get out. In my head I know that there is an end to all of this and that the hole is getting gradually shallower all the time, but my heart has never been one to listen to my head. My heart only sees the immediate future and that looks grim. It's like going into a really long tunnel. I know that I will come out on the other side, but I can't see the light from where I am right now.

The Thing About Depression

1. When you tell somebody that you are depressed, they try to cheer you up. Depression isn't always something that you can will your way out of. It's a deep, dark whole, so sometimes you need somebody to help you out. All those people standing above yelling at you to just get out of the whole aren't really helping all that much. Throw me a rope instead of just telling me to try harder.

2. It makes you stop doing things that you enjoy. Personally, when I am depressed, I have almost no energy. When I do have energy, I don't want to spend it on doing anything that I don't have to do. I eat a lot, watch TV, sleep, etc. I don't talk to my friends, I don't pursue my hobbies, I don't do anything fun or rewarding. I just mope around and try to share my misery with anybody who I trust enough to share it with.

3. People can't see it, so they don't always know that there is something wrong. They say that cancer is the silent killer, but I would say that depression is, as well. On one side, it makes it easy to hide from people you don't want to know about it, but on the other, people who have never experienced it can never understand when you do decide that there is somebody who you want to know about it.

4. It looks different in every individual. Personally, I tend to hide it from most people, so you probably wouldn't know that I was depressed unless you were actually there when my defenses broke down, or unless I actually told you that I was depressed. The average person that I encounter everyday would never have a clue.

5. Since it is different for every individual, there isn't one catchall solution. For some people counselling is enough. For others it is just a matter of changing your thought patterns. For others medications work. For still others depression treatments might include (gasp) shock therapy (known to work for individuals with major depression). Personally, I've tried the first and second options with mixed results. Maybe it's time to try medication.

6. You often don't want to ask for help. You think yourself unworthy or you think that nothing can help you. You also can't help anybody else because you are broken, so when people come to you with their problems, there isn't much that you can do. You can't get help and you can't give it.

7. It makes your thoughts scattered. It is extremely hard to focus when you are dying inside. When all you think about all the time is how unloveable, unworthy, stupid, useless, ugly you are, there isn't a lot of space in there for anything else. If one's work requires a lot of brain capacity, it's difficult to do when you are feeling like this. That's why the sleeping and TV, things that require no brain activity at all. Depression is an emotional issue, but it effects every other aspect of your life as well.

Anyway, there's a lot more, but I don't have it in me to go into any of the other stuff right now. Suffice it to say, I am not well. I need help, but don't know where to get it. Pray for me.