God-breathed

I just read my Bible for the first time in--I don't know--a long time. I don't want to admit it, but I often look for feelings associated with my "God time." I want to have an "experience." I know it isn't right, but it's true. I also read my two devotional books (daily devotions that are about two paragraphs each) and was convicted by this passage:

Have you been trying to work up some emotional feeling? If you lack "it," have you felt you didn't have the Holy Spirit? The Holy Spirit is the Spirit of Truth, which means He always works according to and through the Word of God whether you feel Him or not. Have you been seeking some ecstatic experience, thinking that would be the Holy Spirit? Remember tha tHe never acts independently; He always works through the Truth--the living Word of God, Who is Jesus, and the written Word of God, which is your Bible. (Lotz, Anne Graham. (2004). Joy of My Heart: Meditating Daily on God's Word. Nashville: Thomas Nelson. p. 263.)

I think the Holy Spirit works in more ways than just through my Bible, but I have to admit that I don't put the emphasis on the written Word of God that I should. I'm going to try to put more effort into my personal relationship with God again. [Side note: I'm kind of a spiritual roller coaster. At times I am really close to God and devote a lot of time to reading His Word and praying and reading books. Other times, though, I don't pick up my Bible for months on end. I wish I could be more consistent.]

Blogger Trouble, Sweet Vacation and Frankenstein

I've had some trouble logging in to Blogger lately. Obviously I got it figured out with some help from my friends at the Blogger Help Group. This Blogger in beta is more trouble than its worth from what I can tell.

Anyway, I just got back from a mini-vacation in the Midwest. I never would have thought to go to Western Wisconsin/Eastern Minnesota, but it was really beautiful. We went there for a race that my husband was sponsoring and it was a lot of fun. We got to see my husband's cousin and his new wife while we were in St. Paul. I had some really great Walleye (because the quality of my vacations is measured either by how good the food was or how good the scenery was...this one had both). The Midwest is different from Utah in a lot of ways. First, it is so green it makes my eyes hurt. I grew up in the Midwest and I miss the green. Second, beer flows more freely in the Midwest as evidenced by the fact that about ninety percent of the race finishers were carrying beer bottles as they crossed the finish line. Third, it is more humid. I don't miss that.

On another topic, I finished Frankenstein. Here's my take on it: I know that the theme of the book is that man is born good and the world makes him evil. I'm not entirely convinced that that is true. What I mean is that I don't know that man is born good. I know that Adam and Eve were created good, but I'm fairly convinced that when sin entered the world it destroyed our ability to be truly good without God. I don't really know, though, if we are born sinful or we become sinful. God might be the only one who knows that.

You Just Never Know

There is a woman at work who I thought hated me. Well, I didn't really think she hated me. I was pretty sure she didn't like me, though. So, she's a manager and today she asked me to work in her department. Keeping in mind that mostly college students work there, so not many people are available right now to work during the day, which is when she needs people, I still think that she must not dislike me. Or at least she thinks she can tolerate me enough to work with her one day a week. Either way it's an improvement from what I thought she thought of me.

My Worship and Fighting Depression

Lately I haven't been that enthusiastic about worshipping God in certain ways. I find it easy to worship God through my work, through conversations with others about God, through singing to Him. I'm just not very excited about reading my Bible. That's pretty much it. I've never been that great about praying, but I pray more now than I used to. I just don't have a specific set aside time that I sit down and pray. It's more like something I do throughout the day or if I wake up in the middle of the night. Reading my Bible just doesn't happen right now. It's old news. I've read it before and, while I like to reread the same things, I don't do it multiple times in a row. I revisit old things that I've read, but I read new things in between. Anyway, I'm thinking maybe I need to try a new translation or something. I just need something to make it different. Another thing that could affect my ability to read my Bible is that I find it hard to focus on one subject for extended periods of time. That's why my posts here always have multiple subjects. Speaking of that...

My husband thinks I put myself down too much. That could be true, but I've definitely gotten better about it since we've been married. I think that mostly right now I tend to point out negative things about myself only when they are true and I think that I should change. I used to suffer a lot from depression, but a combination of things have changed that recently. One thing is that I am more content with my life (see previous posts on contentment) and another is that I've been taking St. John's Wort recently and I really don't think I've had a major breakdown since I started taking it. Could be a placebo, but St. John's Wort has been proven effective with mild to moderate depression, which is where I fall. Anyway, I don't always feel good about myself, but I haven't had a crying fit in a while, which is an improvement. I've battled depression my whole life and I can honestly say that right now I feel better about things than I ever have at any other point in my life (at least any other point in my life that I can remember). [Incidentally, I tend to be the kind of person who thinks that if things are going well for too long then something bad will happen and bring my life back into balance. I can't be happy indefinitely. I don't really feel like that right now, though, so maybe I'm really overcoming all of the emotional ties that bind me.]

Unchristian Behavior

Recently I have been guilty of the following offenses:

1. Yesterday on Main St. there was a blinking yellow light at 700 N. Nobody in Logan knows what to do at a blinking yellow light. Seriously, a few years ago there was a poll in which drivers rated the other drivers in their own town and Logan had the worst self-rating. That means that people here know that they drive badly. Anyway, I wasn't cursing or anything, but I was very impatient and called all of the other drivers idiots and things like that. (Incidentally, if you don't know what to do at a blinking yellow light, I'll tell you. You just drive through it. Don't stop unless somebody is going through the intersection the other way when you approach. You treat a blinking red light like a stop sign, not a blinking yellow. I can think of about two hundred people who need a driver's ed refresher course.)

2. There are a lot of people at my job who don't work as hard as me. I complain about it, but that isn't the issue. There is a particular girl who doesn't work very hard and isn't very bright. I gossip about her laziness and dim-wittedness with my co-workers. I am feeling kind of guilty about it, but she drives me crazy because on top of not working hard while she's there she also calls people to work for her at least once a week. In my opinion you should request days off if you can't work them and if something comes up and you are scheduled to work, you just have to miss it. You have no idea how many lunches, parties, outings I have had to miss because of work. It's a fact of life that no person is exempt from. Deal with it. Anyway, I shouldn't be talking about her work habits with my co-workers. It's wrong.

These are issues that I deal with a lot. Basically it boils down to my two biggest sin problems: anger and pride. I think that I've come a long way in the past five years, but, as always, there's still a long way to go. However, I am "confident of this, that he who began a good work in [me] wil carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" (Philippians 1:6).

Pressure

There are a lot of people in my life who don't know me. Some are people I used to be friends with who I haven't kept in touch with very well. Few of them really knew me back then, since I don't really let people into my inner sanctuary. Some are family members who either live far away or just were never allowed in. Others are people who have yet to earn passage into the depths of my mind. The funny thing is that all of these people think that they know me well enough to give me advice about what I should do at any given time.

Let me explain. I'm really more of a listener than a talker. Always have been. So, even when I'm with somebody I trust, I usually just let them talk about what is going on in their lives. It isn't because I don't want to tell them about me, it's just because I don't talk much. This means that lots of people can think that they are good friends with me or think that they know me, when really they don't know anything. Occasionally I will give somebody just a small glimpse of something that is happening inside and generally they find it shocking, or at least it is usually something that they didn't expect. It's possible that people find me simple since I don't share my thoughts on the topic of conversation. It isn't true. I just don't like to talk.

Well, to get to my point, I have been getting a lot of pressure from various individuals in my life who think it is a mistake for me to quit school. They like to give me advice, which usually consists of, "It would be a mistake to quit. Finish school. You only have one more year....etc." What they don't know is that the reasons for quitting far outweigh the reasons for continuing on. At any given moment an individual might know one or two of the twenty-plus reasons that I am leaving school and they like to make assumptions based on those one or two reasons. Don't convict me without all of the facts. I know that this isn't a mistake. Happiness can be found not in the number of degrees one has amassed, but in being content where you are. I'm content. Let me be happy, too.

Anyway, the odd thing about it is that, despite my distaste for talking, I find it incredibly easy to write. Perhaps it is because I don't think anybody is reading this, but perhaps it is because I want to let people in and don't know how. Either way it's here if people want to see me through my eyes. If people want to get to know me, this is probably the best way. Few people will, though. I want people to know me, but I can't say the words. I can only write them.

Idle Hands, Hard Work and Happiness

They say that idle hands are the devil's workshop. My hands are idle a lot. I hardly think that they are doing the devil's work, though. Mostly they just read and do this. I suppose the devil could have some desire to keep me from doing my chores, which is what I should be doing. Possibly that could make reading and blogging the devil's work, but that would be a stretch.

On the other hand, there's my job. Most of the people that I work with have never heard that a person is supposed to live a quiet life and work with their hands. Mostly people just stand around and gossip. I prefer to stay busy. Unlike when I am at home and I can't seem to find anything worthwhile to do (although, some would say that reading is worthwhile), when I'm at work I work very hard. People tell me that they are impressed, but that isn't why I do it. I just do it because standing around not doing anything is boring. If I could read a book at work, I might do that instead of working so hard.

I wasn't always like this. I used to be as lazy at work as I am at home. It was sometime between working at the boarding school and when I started back to school (Jan. 2005) when I decided that anything worth doing is worth doing well. I became an amazing student (4.0 GPA since starting back to school) and a star employee. I think it's because I didn't want to let anybody down. Probably I still have in a million different ways, but at least I'm trying this time.

On a different subject, I'm told that at my sister's wedding a few weeks ago I was noticeably happier than my family remembered me being in the past. It just goes to show that real change does come from giving your life over to Jesus. That's the only explanation. Well, besides the one that goes like this: my sister was getting married and I was happy for her. Both I think are acceptable.

The Language of my Soul

I went to an awesome concert last night. Nickel Creek at an outdoor venue (which was kind of too small, but still cool...oh, and I've never been to an outdoor venue that allowed chairs). I couldn't see the whole time because of the people sitting in chairs right in front of me, but it was pretty cool, even though I already saw them on this tour in December, so it was a similar set list.

I love music. I love playing music, singing, listening to good music. Especially I love leading the music portion of our church service (most people call it "praise and worship", but I think that is misleading because the whole service is a "worship service" and that gives the impression that the only part of the service that we praise and worship God is while we're singing...it isn't true). It's the one time when I feel totally right with God.

I think I've mentioned something about spiritual gifts before, but I want to mention it again. Music is the one spiritual gift that I know I have. God may have blessed me with others, but this is the one that I am most aware of. I just know that I'm exactly where He wants me when I'm singing His praise. In Chariots of Fire the character Eric Liddel says that God made him fast and when he runs he feels God's pleasure. That's how I feel about leading the music in church. I'm not the best singer in the world, or even in our church, but God has gifted me in this way and I won't deny it. Possibly I'm being proud again, but it's the one thing that I'm sure of. I was made for this. God made me for this.

And that is why I'm in a bind. I can't do it alone because I only sing. The couple that I do it with currently are probably moving next spring/summer. My husband currently plays with us, but doesn't want to be the leader of the group. What do I do? That is the question of the day.

What I've Been Reading Lately

One of the greatest benefits of working in a bookstore is that I get free books and discounts on others. I've been reading a lot of classics lately. Mainly because I feel like I should, not because they seem any more interesting than other books (because they don't). I've had mixed results. Some classics I've read lately:

The Scarlet Letter: Really enjoyed this one. Lots of people told me that it was depressing. I found it to be genuine, but also heart-breaking. It shouldn't take something like being shunned to make a person love others the way that she did. The lesson I learned: don't hide your sin away because it will eat you from the inside out.

Pride and Prejudice: Hated it. Okay, I only read the first fifteen pages or so, but it was so full of giddy girls that I couldn't handle it. So many people say that this is a great book, but I don't feel the need to love it just because it's a classic. I might come back to it later.

Frankenstein: It's interesting thus far. I'm about a quarter of the way through it and it is nothing like what I expected. The movies are always about the monster, but the book is about Dr. Frankenstein's struggle with his humanity. Or, rather, with his desire to cure humanity of its most incurable affliction: death. Frankenstein had no belief in the afterlife, so it makes sense that he would want to prolong life.

Next up: Dracula, Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. We'll see what else. I want to pick up Don Quixote, but haven't yet.

I have read some books lately that I have really loved that are not classics, though. Here's a taste:

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time, by Mark Haddon. What an awesome book. Kind of disturbing at times, but very real. It's written from the perspective of a 12 year old boy with autism, which means that it is very logical and there is a lot of math in it. The chapters are numbered with prime numbers. Very cool book, but not, I would say, for everybody.

Night of the Avenging Blowfish, by John Welter. I read this book for the first time about seven years ago (I'm getting old) and I pick it up every once in a while to remind myself of how funny it is. It's about a Secret Service agent, a secret baseball game, SPAM, and forbidden love. I had forgotten how much bad language it had and it does have about three sex scenes that disturbed me more this time than any of the previous times I read it. Great book that is laugh out loud funny at the same time that it breaks your heart. Again, not for everybody.

The entire Harry Potter series, by J.K. Rowling. I'm not sure what possessed me to pick up these books. Probably I wanted to see what the hype was about. They ended up being good stories, but poorly written. I liked that they were kind of like mysteries with a magical twist. Fun reads, but definitely not for kids. There were things in those books that scared me and I'm 26.

A Wrinkle in Time, by Madeleine L'Engle (spelling?). Excellent book (I suppose it could be considered a children's classic). I especially liked that the point of the story was that love can beat out evil in the end (also one of the underlying themes in Harry Potter). Fun sci-fi stuff, too. A great read for pretty much anybody I would say.

I really like children's books. For some reason they seem better written than a lot of adult fiction. Also, they tend to be less depressing and more wholesome (far fewer sex scenes). I'm thinking about picking up Freak the Mighty, by Rodman Philbrick. I saw the movie based on the book (just called The Mighty) and liked it. Sometimes reading the book of a movie you like can be a mistake, but other times it's worth it.

My favorite books of all time are the Chronicles of Narnia books by C.S. Lewis. They've become more popular now that the movie is out, but I have been reading them several times a year for a few years now. They are so allegorical that it amazes me that every person who reads them isn't led to Jesus. They just make me ache for heaven. I love them.

DDR, the Stepford Wives, and quittting school

I just witnessed this game for the first time. It was hilarious. Two white boys with no rhythm were playing Dance Dance Revolution. I might not have been able to beat them if I had tried it, but I would have looked better while losing than either of them would have looked while beating me.

If there's one thing I miss about college, it's dancing. I could go to a party and dance for hours. That was how I stayed in shape back then. I miss it so much, but I don't have any opportunities anymore. If I could just get my husband to dance with me in our living room or something. It just isn't the same when I do it alone.

On a different subject, I watched the original Stepford Wives last night. It was pretty good. I felt kind of weird watching it because I identified with both groups of women. I feel this push within the Christian community, or at least among the women I know, to be a stay-at-home mom. I know I would get bored, though, and I'm a terrible house keeper. I have it in my head right now that I will stay home with our children when they are young, but I don't know if it's because that's what I want or because it's what I've been convinced I should want. I don't want to be a Stepford wife and do the things that all the other wives do just because I'm programmed to. I want to do what is right according to God, not what's right according to Christians.

I think that God would have me care for my family. That's one of the reasons I quit school. You see, I was working at a job that was in my field of study and I found out a lot of things. I found out that I did not possess some of the requisite qualities for the position. I often convince myself that I am somebody other than who I am and, thus, think that I have abilities or personality traits that I do not. I found out that this personality deficit made it difficult to perform my job duties, which meant that I was constantly drained. If I had to put everything into pretending that I had personality traits that I did not have, then it was going to be a lot more work than it would have been for somebody who possessed those traits. I found that this drain meant that I had nothing left to give at home. That would probably be okay for a summer job. Three months in a position that wore me out wouldn't be too much to handle. I could not have done it as a career, though, because it would have meant the end of my marriage and all happiness in my life. Therefore, I decided that, since I could not pursue this career path any longer, I would just quit the job so that they could have somebody in the position that was better suited for it. I also decided that, since I was not going to continue on this career path, I did not need to continue my education in that field of study.

And that's where I am today. I don't know if I will go back to school at some point to try something else, but I think all roads lead to the same place. I might as well just stick with things that I like and quit chasing the wind.

On contentment

Ever since I was young I thought I was something special. Don't get me wrong, I know that every person is a unique and beautiful snowflake (contrary to what Tyler Dirden might say). I'm talking about the fact that I thought I was going to be famous, or at least make an impact in the world that would make me somehow better than others. This is called pride.

I've gone through different phases of this belief. When I was young I thought that I would be an actress or a musician, something that would put me in the spotlight. Later, when I realized I wasn't either of those things, I thought I would be a famous scientist who would make some amazing discovery that would change the way the world thinks. The latest reincarnation was that I would have a job in which I would help people overcome obstacles. This last one also had a research, publish, become well-known among your peers attachment.

I wasn't a Christian growing up, so my "I'm better than others," attitude didn't bother me as much as it does now. When I became a Christian about five years ago a lot of things changed, but this is one thing that I couldn't get rid of. You see, people read the Bible and go to Bible studies and church and they somehow get the idea out of certain passages that God has a special plan for their lives. I believe this to be true, but recently I have come to interpret it differently than most.

God has a plan for me and for you and for every person who is a member of His body. Some are eyes or ears or hands, that is, some are preachers, some are servants, some are teachers. I have certain gifts that some others don't have and there are plenty of gifts that others have that I don't. That's okay. We're all different and God has a unique plan for us within his church. I do not now believe that God's plan for me means that I will have a specific vocation or that He will give me a special job. What if His "plan" for us is only what He has for us to do for Him within His kingdom? For some that would mean a specific job (pastor, missionary); but for others it would probably mean loving people in your workplace, raising children, feeding the hungry. You don't need a specific job to do most things in His body.

So, this is where contentment comes in. I am learning that I don't need to have a special job where I help people, or where I'm recognized, or where I'm famous. If loving people Jesus's way means meeting their specific needs at that specific moment (and I think it does), then I can do that anywhere, anytime. I don't need to get another degree because I think that God wants me to have a helping job. I can help people in the job I have now. I don't have to have a job that makes people go, "Oh, that sounds really interesting," or, "Wow, I could never do that." Also, I don't have to be ashamed that my current job isn't important or exciting or that it doesn't pay well. If I like it, then I'm probably going to be better able to serve others and love them in it. Besides, people in the Biblical churches had day jobs and were told to lead a quiet life, mind their own business and work with their hands (1 Thessalonians 4:11). Why should I be any different?

Paul said in Philippians 4:12, "I have learned to be content in any and every situation..." I'm not there yet, but I'm on my way.

What is this?

My first blog. Can you believe it? (My husband will never let me live it down.)

I never thought that picking a name for my blog would be such a chore. I mean, once I sat down to do it, it ended up being more difficult than I imagined. Think about it: how do you represent everything about yourself in just a few words? This one comes from a song by Ginny Owens that I absolutely love called If You Want Me To. The song is about going through even the most difficult times knowing that God is in control. This is the bridge:

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my own.
But you never said it would be easy,
You only said I'll never go alone.

Another that I considered (but discarded because I couldn't get the URL I wanted) was Living Sacrifice. It has so many meanings to me, but the one that always comes to mind is the image of a sacrifice on an altar, only the sacrifice is still alive so it is free to get up and crawl off the altar any time. And that's me, a living sacrifice that gets up and does something else occasionally.

So that's what I'm about. I'm a Christian in the real world. I don't live in a bubble. I don't pretend to be perfect, or even happy. I'm learning what it means to be content, but I'll write about that later. I'm not an evangelist. I'm not as smart as some, or as beautiful as others. I'm conservative in my faith, but liberal in my politics. I'm not sure why I'm explaining all this, since the only people who will probably read this are people who already know these things about me, but that, too, is part of who I am.