I am an Island

Well, I may have just alienated myself from one of my only friends here in Logan. I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't let people get close to me. It's amazing to me that I was ever able to let somebody get close enough to marry me. I think that because he saw a lot of my crazy early on and didn't run away, I probably realized that I shouldn't let him go. I'm trying to think of why I isolate myself and I know some of the root causes, but not all of them. First, I can't relate to other people because I operate on a different level (that isn't conceit, it's just true) and probably in a different way. That led me to develop poor social skills, or none at all. Second, when I was young I had many instances of being hurt by somebody I cared about. I don't want to blame my social problems on others, but twice in my youth I finally let myself be friends with someone and then moved away (and when you are a young child moving away means that your friendship is over...or at least in my experience it was). When I was very young I would allow myself to get attached to my dad and then he would disappear (this happened multiple times...I'm not angry about it anymore and have forgiven him...I'm even starting to have a relationship with him...I'm just saying that there were lasting effects that came from that experience that are still in operation today). Multiple times I would let somebody in only to find out from another source that they were talking about me behind my back. Third, I have and have always had low self-esteem. This makes it so that when I do find somebody that likes me and that I like, I don't actually believe that they like me (or that I'm likeable), so I can't trust them to know the me that is inside. So there I am. I am a rock, I am an island. Luckily I have a husband who loves me despite my crazy and a sister who grew up with my crazy, so I can be real with them. Plus, Jesus knew about my crazy before I was born and He loved me anyway, because of who I really am, not because of anything I do or say.

Mini-crisis

Okay, so that thing that I couldn't talk about before, I talked to my husband, so I can elaborate now. Here goes: I want to have a baby. However, I know that my husband wants to pay off our debt before we start having kids. At our current rate of repayment we will have all of our loans (except the house) paid off in fifteen months. That is just too long for me. So, I need to increase my cash flow in order to pay off the debt faster. Here's the crisis, though: I like my job. I really like my job and I'm pretty good at it. I don't want to quit my job, but I will probably have to. My options are a.) quit my current job (which I like) and get a job that pays more (and probably I won't like as much), or b.) keep my job and get a second job to supplement my current income. Neither option appeals to me, so it's hard to figure out what to do. I don't want to quit my job, but I can hardly handle working forty hours a week, let alone sixty with a second job. I know what I have to do, I just don't want to do it.

Here's the thing: I know this is the right thing to do. I went home to visit family and prayed a lot about how I want to be on the same page as my husband as far as starting a family is concerned. I prayed that God would change my husband's heart if he was wrong and change mine if I was. He changed both. My husband is more open to having children now and I am willing to wait until our loans are paid off (as long as I can speed up the process). I'm not entirely happy with it, but he's unwilling to budge and arguing is useless because it gets us nowhere. So, that's where I am. Pray for me that God would lead me in the right direction as far as which jobs to apply for and such. It's been a while since I have felt like I am in God's will, but I'm very sure about this. I know it's what He wants (both being debt-free and being one in spirit with my husband). I could use some encouragement, though, and strength. Guidance, too. Pretty much, I need a lot of help to really make this happen.

Home Sweet Home, Again

Well, I'm back from my trip to visit my family. I go back to work tomorrow, but I don't know how. I know that I was only gone for about a week, but something changed in me during that time. Something happened to me while I was there and I'm not sure that I can put words to it. I feel different in a way that I've never really felt before. I feel kind of like I have a purpose. I'm not going to get into details right now because I haven't talked to my husband about it yet, just know that I'm not the same person that I was before I left.

On a different note, I guess it's good to be back. I'm happy to see my hubby and all of my stuff is here. I will tell you this: if my husband wasn't here, I wouldn't be either. There's nothing keeping me here except him. It isn't that I don't like it here, it's just that I don't have ties to this place. My job is fun, but I'd leave it in a heartbeat. I have a few friends, and I would miss them, but we could keep in touch. I do like my church, but I could find another one. It just doesn't feel like home. I suppose that could change with time, but that has yet to be seen. I like Logan, I just don't love it.

Home Sweet Home

Actually, I haven't lived here full-time for almost ten years, but it's still home to me. When I was checking in at the airport the lady said, "You're going to Detroit?" And I said, "That's where I'm from." Of course, you can't say that you're from Utah until your family has lived there for at least six generations, so I live there, I'm not from there.

I always have some anxiety about coming home. The whole time I lived here in Michigan, I was a different person than the one I became when I moved away to Utah. When I come here all the old junk that I thought was gone comes back. Maybe it is gone, it's gone to Michigan where I can pick it up every time I visit. Anyway, I kind of had a breakthrough with the whole thing when I actually told my mom and step-dad about it. It's been a little better since then. I've been able to have a conversation without snapping at anybody. I also tried to talk to them about Financial Peace and my step-dad was interested, but my mom thought it was, "the easy way out." She couldn't be more wrong, but I told her that I wasn't going to give her advice that she didn't want, so I dropped it. It hurts me to come here because they are hurting so much and they don't want the kind of help that I can give them. All I can do is pray for them because they won't let me do anything else.

On a brighter note, the baby is SO cute. He is 9 lbs. 4 oz. now, which is up from 8 lbs. 8 oz a week ago. He's really good and hardly ever cries, except when he's hungry and when he's naked, which for whatever reason he really hates. He's so young that he mostly just sleeps, so he's really easy to take care of, which is why I could do so yesterday when my sister needed a nap. I love him already and I'm really, really sad that I have to miss him growing up. Really sad. When I see kids only once every two years they don't even know who I am when they see me. I have to miss all of their growing up. My family is really close and it kind of upsets me that I have to miss everything that is happening in everybody's lives. I'm upset that I couldn't be here when the baby was born. I'm upset that I'll miss all the milestones in his life. I miss my family already and I'm still here with them.

Surprise!

Well, here I am updating my blog from Michigan. I totally surprised my sister. It was great. It went something like this. My dad and step-mom went into the house ahead of me along with my brother-in-law's friends who showed up at the same time that we did. So, four people at the same time showed up on their front porch, and all went in. Then, about a minute later, I knocked on the door and my sister said, "Who else is here?" I opened the door and she had this shocked, confused look on her face and just started backing up. Then she started crying, which is a pretty typical response for a woman in my family. Anyway, it was awesome and she didn't suspect a thing. Also, I got to spend some time with my dad and step-mom, which was great. I'm here for another six days, so I'll let you know what I did while here.