Just kidding!

So, it turns out Blogger is going to delete old accounts unless you can remember your old Blogger password (which I can't) or access your recovery account (which I also can't do because I haven't used it for at least five years). Therefore, I will be starting a new blog shortly and will post there. So irritating.

Hello, Stranger!

Wow! I can't believe it has been four years since I last posted. I considered just starting a new blog, because I've changed a lot in four years, but I decided to stick with this one. Aren't you glad I shared that little bit of information with you?

My whole reason for wanting to start blogging again was this: I've been looking around, reading other people's blogs, searching for something relevant to me, and not exactly finding it. So, if I'm not finding anything relevant, maybe there are others out there who are in the same boat. I can't say that this will be relevant to you, per se, but it might be to somebody. Even if it isn't, at least I won't be able to complain about there not being anything for me out there any longer.

So, having said that, this is going to be the place that I share my (sometimes strange, often verbose) thoughts on parenting, politics (yipes!), being a Christian in Utah, and whatever else comes to mind. It isn't exactly going to be what I'm up to day to day, although there may be some of that. I hope you enjoy.

The Thing About Being an Open Book . . .

. . . is that people are more inclined to read you. And, the thing about having more people read you, is that they want to edit you and change you to match what is written in their book. Let me explain.

I've been having conversations with my co-worker about the differences in our beliefs. He is LDS and I am a born-again Christian. The conversations start out as just, "what do you believe about this?" and become, "but what about this? What about this? Haven't you read this?"

I'm not God, so, not being God, I am not in the business of changing people's hearts. I know that only God can do that. So, I talk to people about my faith, but not to convince them of anything or change their minds, just to present new possibilities, plant seeds. It seems, though, that whenever I do that, the person I'm talking to tries to start arguing and tries to change my mind about whatever it is that I am telling them I believe.

For instance, I told my co-worker something that I believe, he told me what he thought on the subject, I told him I disagreed because the Bible says nothing about whatever it was he was talking about, and his reply was, "well, what is faith?" as in, you should just have faith that what I'm saying is true. Pish Posh. He wanted me to have faith that what he believes was true, but not to have faith that what I believe was true. Now that is a contradiction if ever I heard one.

Don't worry, though, my book is being rewritten, but by God, not by other books. Only one book can change my heart, and that is God's Book, His Living Word. I will not be tossed about by the waves, but will stand strong on the Rock of my salvation. Praise the Lord that He is good and faithful and will bring to completion the work He began in me. And pray, for those whose names are not written on the palm of His hand that they will have soft hearts, open eyes, receptive ears and they will turn and be healed.

Sabbath Rest

I love discovering things in the Bible. The Holy Spirit has really been making scripture come alive to me lately. It's funny how you can read something a million times, but the million-and-first time you read it, you see something that you hadn't before. Anyway, God reveals so many things to me lately that I don't know where to begin. This is just one lesson that he has taught me.

I was reading Isaiah 58 in the Message (love the Message) and came across this passage:

"If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath
and from doing as you please on my holy day,
if you call the Sabbath a delight
and the LORD's holy day honorable,
and if you honor it by not going your own way
and not doing as you please or speaking idle words,
then you will find your joy in the LORD . . ." (Isaiah 58:13-14, NIV)

"If you watch your step on the Sabbath
and don't use my holy day for personal advantage,
If you treat the Sabbath as a day of joy,
God's holy day as a celebration,
If you honor it by refusing 'business as usual,'
making money, running here and there—
Then you'll be free to enjoy God! . . ." (Isaiah 58:13-14, the Message)

Do you see what I mean? The Message says the same thing, but makes the meaning so much clearer. Anyway, about the meaning. The Israelites looked at this passage and saw, "Don't do anything on the Sabbath." However, I think it is pretty clear that what the passage says is, "Don't do anything for personal gain on the Sabbath." Making dinner, cleaning house, visiting friends and family, helping your neighbor move, these weren't allowed on the Sabbath, but why? Matthew 12:10-12 says, "and a man with a shriveled hand was there. Looking for a reason to accuse Jesus, they asked him, 'Is it lawful to heal on the Sabbath?' He said to them, 'If any of you has a sheep and it falls into a pit on the Sabbath, will you not take hold of it and lift it out? How much more valuable is a man than a sheep! Therefore it is lawful to do good on the Sabbath.'" (NIV). Do good on the Sabbath. Set aside one day for the Lord that doesn't involve work, but don't forgo doing good. The Sabbath rest isn't about doing nothing, it's about doing what is good and right and pleasing to God.

Anyway, I know it isn't a huge revelation, I just always find it interesting when I discover passages that I know the Israelites misunderstood. Jesus came here and clarified so much of what was said in the Old Testament. He didn't change it, there wasn't anything that He said that contradicted the Old Testament. He simply revealed the true meaning. I find that fascinating. I've said it before and I'll say it again, anybody who thinks that the God of the Old Testament and the God of the New Testament are different, or that God somehow changed between them, isn't reading the same Bible that I'm reading.

An Open Book

I've felt challenged lately to really tell people the things that are happening in my life that really matter. It's so easy when somebody says, "how are you doing?" to just tell them about work, or what you did over the weekend, or how your family is. How much better would it be, though, if we could all tell people exactly what is happening in our lives, good or bad, on a more personal level?

There are all kinds of passages in the Bible that talk about the heart. I think that one of the most misunderstood is Proverbs 4:23, which says, " Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." I am a person who naturally puts up barriers between myself and others out of fear that I will be hurt. There are so many things wrong with that attitude that I won't even go into it now, but, suffice it to say that barriers are not what this passage is talking about. So many people look at this as a command to keep ourselves separated from others, but I think that it is talking about keeping sin out of our hearts. Phillipians 4:4-7 states:

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

This passage tells me that the peace of God, which is the fruit of the Spirit, will guard my heart and my mind. I don't need to guard it, God will do it for me. If I am in God's will, He will guard my heart from sin, but not necessarily from pain. That's where the peace comes in. One cannot possibly live or affect those around him without taking some risks, without the possibility of getting hurt.

I want people to know the real me. I would love for them to see all of my faults and see that my strength comes from my God. Why would I hide that? In my weakness He is strong. I should celebrate my faults because they allow God's glory to be revealed in my life. I'm not saying it's easy, nor am I saying that I am at the point where I am a totally open book. I'm just saying that I've been letting my guard down a little more often lately and it feels like the right thing to do.

You Are Not Alone

Well, it's been some time (a week, I think) since I wrote anything here. That might be because nothing really exciting happened. Well, that's not true, just nothing that I've felt the urge to write about. Anyway, a few things have happened that I thought I'd share.

Last weekend was Memorial Day and my husband, seven of our friends, two dogs, and I went backpacking. I am really, really not in backpacking shape, so I was pretty sore for about four days afterward, but I had a really great time. In fact, I had quite a unique backpacking experience. You see, hmm how do I put this? I'm really slow, at least on the uphill, and usually that makes for a pretty miserable time for me.

It used to go something like this: I'm the last one in line and I'm waaaay back. Everybody feels like they have to wait for me and I want them to because I don't enjoy being alone, so I'm miserable. I resent them for not waiting for me and I'm in a lot of pain because, rather than be alone, I will push myself beyond what I am capable of so that I am completely exhausted, usually about a half mile before we get to our destination.

My new philosophy is a little different and a lot more enjoyable. You see, instead of being miserable because I was alone, I enjoyed my alone time. I talked with God, sang to God, stopped and looked at the flowers and the trees. I went at my own pace and loved it. I won't get into the things that didn't go exactly as planned on this little one night trip (time was a factor, as well as snow), but let's just say that I wasn't the only one who wasn't in backpacking shape (my dog couldn't walk without hobbling for several days).

Other than that, work was work. My co-workers are pretty irritating because they bicker like children all day long, but I try not to get involved. I did tell one of them that I found it incredibly irritating that he was late everyday, but that was because I didn't want to be complaining about it behind his back. If he knows that I disapprove then at least it isn't a secret that it's not okay. [Incidentally, the day after I told him that he was ten minutes early.]

Yesterday was my five year anniversary. It's amazing how much can change in five years. But I'll tell you what hasn't changed, I still love my husband very much and enjoy spending time with him. We had quite an adventure yesterday. We stopped at the Hole in Brigham City for doughnuts on the way down to SLC where we had lunch at the Red Iguana (delicious). We then went down to Sandy where the running store that my husband runs for is, and he picked up a Garmin GPS, which he is so excited about using I can't stand it. Then we went back up to SLC to get massages (wonderful), walk around the Gateway (boring), watch an IMAX movie about dinosaurs (I love dinosaurs, it was awesome), and have dinner at Biaggi's (also delicious). After that we headed out of SLC and went to Crystal Hot Springs, which is just outside of Honeyville, UT (the water is very salty/kind of nasty) and then home with enough time to watch a Netflix movie. A great time was had by all.

And now it's Saturday. Thus far I have slept in, eaten breakfast, bought groceries, gone to the Gardener's Market, gone to Macey's for $1.00 bratwurst, and done some reading. It's a typical Logan Saturday and I couldn't be happier. You know, now that I'm feeling better, I don't feel this urgent need to get out of here and closer to my family. Not that I don't want to be closer to my family, because I do, I just don't need to. I'm content for maybe the first time in my life and that's definitely worth something. I can't wait to see what the future holds, but I'm happy right now.

God is Love

Ever since my experience on Sunday, I have been really, really excited about reading my Bible. I don't remember a time when I was so hungry for God's Word as I am right now. I sit down with my Bible (I'm reading the Message right now, but it's a One-Year-Bible version...I love it) and I say to God, "what do you have for me today?" I've been reading 2 Kings and have seen God's grace in that, which is something that I hadn't noticed before and I think most people miss. Israel sins, God gets angry. Cause, effect. Then God lets them go their own way, not because He wants to leave them, but because He wants Israel to return. He wants to forgive and He does.

People who claim that the God of the Old Testament is a different God from the one in the New Testament have never really read either with the right frame of mind. You see, God is Love throughout both. Those who have children will probably understand this more than those who don't, but sometimes you have to discipline a person, not despite the fact that you love them, but because of it. Sometimes you also have to let a person make their own decisions, even if you know them to be mistakes. [Side note: I read an article a year or so ago about a psychological study. The study showed that your brain has the same reactions when you see somebody else make a mistake as it has when you yourself make a mistake. That's why it's so hard to watch somebody else mess up.] That's what God does with His people. They sin and He disciplines them. They decide to go their own way and He lets them in the hopes that they will come back. It's because He loves them, not because He is vengeful. Don't get me wrong, He is just. He just isn't wrong.

Strength for Today and Bright Hope for Tomorrow

My intial conversion to Christianity was marked by huge, unrealistic promises that I made to God. I will read my Bible every day. I will spend x amount of time in prayer every day. I will never sin again. Etc. Because they were unrealistic demands that I was making of myself, I inevitably failed. I would then turn on myself, because that's what I do best, and call myself a bad Christian, a bad person, a bad wife, etc. I would then recover from my broken promises, only to make more promises that I would then proceed to break. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I'm calling yesterday my "second conversion." I can't really explain what was different about what happened to me yesterday in comparison with other times that I have strayed and then returned. I do know the difference, it's just hard to put into words. You see, it happened quite suddenly, without any advance notice. No warning, whatsoever. I was in church and we were singing, I don't even remember the song, but I know it was totally unrelated to the thought that came into my head, which is the one that I wrote about yesterday. I was totally convicted by the Holy Spirit in a way that I haven't really experienced before. It was like my entire life up to that point had been a dream and I was only just awakening unto reality. Everything became so clear. I suddenly got this strong urge to do more for my God, more for His Kingdom. It was like nothing else mattered anymore, as long as I could be close to Him. The sermon that followed oddly echoed the feeling that I was having about doing more for Him. I saw the insignificance of the things that I had been making a priority in my life. I saw things from a totally different perspective.

I mean, really, I saw everything in my life differently. I saw all of the ways that I wasn't being a helper to my husband, but, instead of getting depressed and beating myself up (my usual reaction), I looked for things in my life that I could change to help him more. I saw the importance of meeting his needs and measured that against the things keeping me from doing so and I saw that those other things didn't stack up. I saw opportunities to serve my God where before I had only seen opportunities to participate in something. I saw light where there had previously been darkness.

The most significant difference between this time and all the others is my lack of promises. I will try to do all of those things that I have promised God so many times before that I would do. I won't lie to Him, though, and tell Him that I'll never fail, that I'll do something every day, that I'll stay strong. I'm relying on Him more today than I ever have to simply provide me with whatever I need to make it through today. I don't need to know what is going to happen tomorrow. Today has enough worry of its own.

The Gentle Slope, Soft Underfoot, Without Sudden Turnings, Without Milestones, Without Signposts

It's always a shock to me when I realize the depth of the deception that I have become entrenched in. I allow myself to believe the lies that Satan tempts me with and turn, ever so gradually, away from the One True God. Satan inevitably takes it one step too far, though, and I am made aware of my situation. When that happens, I have only to repent and am back on the path of righteousness. Allow me to explain.

In C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters (a wonderfully written and thoroughly enlightening read), there are essentially three characters. One is a man, newly a Christian, who is being tempted by the second, Wormwood. Wormwood's uncle, Screwtape, is the third character. It is Wormwood's job to tempt the man so that he eventually ends up in Hell. Screwtape offers advice to Wormwood on how to do it. The whole book is written as only Screwtape's side of the pair's correspondence. I have to say, it is brilliant. I highly recommend it to anyone who wants some insight into how they can avoid Satan's trap.

Moving on, Wormwood has managed to get the man involved with a group of friends who are "worldly," that is, they drink too much, they are materialists, they are vain, they are flippant, etc. However, at the same time, the man is still going to church and still fancies himself a Christian. He is gently sliding away from God, due to his discomfort with the two parallel lives he is living, though he does not realize it because he is not aware of his indiscretions. He thinks his choices are minor and excusable, but they are leading down the gentle path toward Hell. The man, unconsciously, wants Wormwood to tempt him away from real contact with God, because he feels the discomfort caused by his dual-lives, but does not want to deal with it. Therefore he looks for any excuse to avoid praying or spending time in the Word or being with real Christians. This is what Screwtape says about that:

As this condition becomes more fully established, you will be gradually freed from the tiresome business of providing Pleasures as temptations. As the uneasiness and his reluctance to face it cut him off more and more from all real happiness, and as habit renders the pleasures of vanity and excitement and flippancy at once less pleasant and harder to forego (for that is what habit fortunately does to a pleasure) you will find that anything or nothing is sufficient to attract his wandering attention. You no longer need a good book, which he really likes, to keep him from his prayers or his work or his sleep; a column of advertisements in yesterday's paper will do. You can make him waste his time not only in conversation he enjoys with people whom he likes, but in conversations with those he cares nothing about on subjects that bore him. You can make him do nothing at all for long periods. You can keep him up late at night, not roistering, but staring at a dead fire in a cold room. All the healthy and out-going activities which we want him to avoid can be inhibited and nothing given in return, so that at least he may say, as one of my own patients said on his arrival down here, 'I now see that I spent most of my life in doing neither what I ought nor what I like.' . . . You will say that these are very small sins; and doubtless like all young tempters, you are anxious to be able to report spectacular wickedness. But do remember, the onlly thing that matters is the extent to which you separate the man from the Enemy. It does not matter how small the sins are provided that their cumulative effect is to edge the man away from the Light and out into the Nothing. Murder is no better than cards if cards can do the trick (Lewis, Screwtape Letters, 2001, HarperCollins: San Francisco, pp. 59-61).

You see, Satan has led me on a path away from God, but with only small sins, so that I did not notice. I looked for any excuse not to spend time with my God, and at first was only tempted by things I enjoyed; but eventually I was given nothing in place of my God, and that was enough. I long to be the person that God wants me to be, and now I realize how far I have strayed. I know, though, that I am forgiven already, before I even wrote any of this, because of Christ's death on the cross and God's complete and abundant grace. The path to Hell is an easy one, a gentle slope . . . I'm sharing this so that hopefully others will come to see that they are on that gentle slope, and will turn and be healed.

Not Good Enough

The more I think about it, the more I realize that the thing that causes me the most grief, the thing that triggers my depression most often, is the feeling that I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough to make people like me. I'm not good enough to be loved. I'm not good enough to make everyone happy. I'm not good enough to make things right. I'm not good enough to win. I know I'm not good enough, so why should I even try? In my head I know it isn't true, but my heart rarely listens to my head. I just want to be good, but I always fall short. I know that Jesus loves me despite my failure to be good, and I know that my husband loves me, as well, but I don't love me. I'm not good enough to love.

Is It Worth It?

Money in and of itself is not evil. It's the things that you do with it, or fail to do with it, that make it good or bad. It's the way that its use makes you feel that determines money's worth. So, having said that, I hate money. I wish there were no such thing. Why can't we go back to a bartering system? I mean, I really hate it. If it wasn't for money issues getting in the way, I would be able to fulfill my purpose in life. I accept the fact that I brought the trouble on myself by making poor money decisions in the past, but had there not been money before, I would not have made those decisions that led me to where I am today. But there is a greater underlying problem here that I have not mentioned. Is it worth sacrificing even a few months' happiness in order to achieve financial freedom? I would say that if that means that money no longer holds me hostage, it probably is worth it, but I'm not sure. I am a slave to money now, and that suffering makes it hard to breathe. I know that the suffering is short term, and also that it is the solution to my woes, but is it worth it? Is it worth it to cause strife inside of me and in my marriage, even for a short time? Is it worth the pain? Sure, I'm going to be free, but at what cost?

Where did this come from, you ask? Well, as you probably know, I have two jobs and hate them both. One is extremely boring because there is no stimulation. The other is extremely stressful because I'm not very good at it. Neither one is fulfilling on any level. So, do I keep my two jobs that I can't stand and are slowly killing my spirit only because it is the fastest way to reach my goal of financial freedom? Or, throwing those things aside, do I give up on the fast track to financial peace and go now to find something that will be more fulfilling and rewarding? If I keep going on the current road, I will achieve my goal, but who will I be when I reach it? Will there be anything left in me of value? On the other hand, if I leave this path and find something more fulfilling, I will be postponing my freedom from financial bondage even longer than I was before I got on the fast track.

The question is really this: I know that the end I am trying to reach is where God wants me, I'm just not certain of the path that He would have me take to get there. Would He have me arrive quickly, but broken? Or would He have me arrive more slowly, but possibly with more (or better) character? I cannot see the path laid out for me. I do not know where to go from here. I only know that I am hurting and I want the pain to stop. What is it that God would have me learn from this? Is it perseverance through the suffering? Or, is it patience in the waiting? Both are things that I lack, so maybe it's both. Please pray for me that God would reveal His plan. Even one step, the next step, being revealed would be encouraging. Please, God, don't leave me in this darkness.

What is Your Purpose?

I'm a firm believer that everyone has a purpose in this life, as well as a purpose within the Kingdom of God. Some people have one or the other figured out. For some they might both be the same thing. Personally, I feel like I know what mine is, but circumstances keep me from fulfilling it. It took me a long time to figure out what my purpose in this life is. I've always envied those who knew why they were here since they were twelve years old (my sister) or even those who figured it out in high school/college (my husband). I never was one of those people who had a lot of direction. I talked before about how I want to have a baby, but let me elaborate on that some more.

When I was younger, high school and college mostly, I was a huge feminist. I was never going to get married, I was never going to have kids, I was going to have some important career and be a "new woman." I'm serious about this. I didn't learn how to cook when my mom and grandma were teaching my sister, because I wasn't going to do those girly things. I didn't dress like a woman. I didn't do girly things like crafts or watch girly movies (I still don't really do that very often...unless I have a friend who wants to see a girly movie). Anything that was associated with the word "woman" was off-limits. That changed a very little bit in college when I joined a sorority (actually, it was a woman's fraternity, but let's not get too technical here), but I still was very independent and played men more than they played me (you should have seen the reaction when a guy who thought he was dating me saw me with somebody else...highly entertaining). I still didn't have any direction, but I did know where I wasn't going, which was into the kitchen.

After I graduated from college, though, a lot of things changed all at once. I met a man who I actually cared about and who was unlike any man I had ever met. He liked me for me, despite all of my faults (and there were and still are a lot of them). I realized that my life was empty and that the hole that I was filling with beer and men could only be filled with the love of Jesus. I married that man (gasp) and began a life with him that was unlike any I had ever planned. I'd say probably the winter after we got married I started itching for a baby. That was a feeling I had never felt before and it was one that has waxed and waned since then, but is pretty constantly there now. At that point I was still thinking "family + career," despite the fact that I still had no idea what that career would be. I was still a very strong feminist at that point and was pretty resentful when anybody tried to put me in the woman's camp. I was empowered and wasn't going to have anybody telling me what a woman was. During the four years since then, though, things have changed.

I bounced around from one job to the next (six jobs in four and a half years) trying to find something that would fulfill me. Some of the things that I've done have been boring, some have been hard, none have been fulfilling. While I was home visiting family in January, though, I came to the realization that no J O B is going to satisfy me, because I'm meant to be a mom. I think that I had known that for a long time, but kept trying to deny it, which is why I tried a lot of things like going back to school and trying new jobs that I thought would fulfill me. No matter what happens, though, I end up at the same point: I want to be a mom. Now the feminists out there are probably saying that I'm taking a step backward, but I would ask you this: is it any less empowering to choose to be a mother than it is to choose to be a lawyer? If I am the one making that choice and it isn't being forced on me, then I am no less empowered than the woman doctor, the woman factory worker, the woman physicist. The thing that I have learned lately, the thing that I have been seeing for so long, but could not quite make out until recently, is that just because something is traditionally feminine, doesn't make it bad. The truth is, I love to cook, I love to knit, I love to be a wife, and I will love being a mom.

So, having said all of that, this is where the depression kicks in. I am kept from fulfilling my purpose in life by circumstances. Bad decisions from my past led to huge amounts of debt that now needs to be paid off before I can stop working. Hence the new job. I mentioned before that I was going to have to quit my job that I liked for something that I probably wouldn't. Well, I did just that and now I am more miserable than I would have been if I had just stuck with the old one and paid off the loans in fifteen months. Now I'll pay off the debt faster, but at what price? The whole process is destroying me and putting a huge strain on my marriage. Not to mention the fact that, since I can't work the number of hours that I need to in order to achieve my six-to-nine month pay off goal, I'm no better off than I was before. I mean, it's not worth it to have a job I hate for an entire year. The truth is, I don't hate my new job, I'm just not very good at it, which is very discouraging and makes me want to give up on the whole thing. I'm the kind of person who doesn't really like doing things that I'm not good at. The problem is that the kind of things I am good at (or would be good at if I tried them) are not the kinds of things that pay well.

So, here I am. Unfulfilled, destroying the man that I love, and getting nowhere in the process. I'm the kind of person who needs a cause (a Persister, if that means anything to any of you), but I have none right now. My family is my cause, but I'm far away from my relatives and am kept from starting my family here. I blame myself and nobody else for my circumstances, because if I had made better decisions in my past, then I wouldn't be stuck right now. That's what it's like, being stuck in a hole, one so deep that I can't get out. In my head I know that there is an end to all of this and that the hole is getting gradually shallower all the time, but my heart has never been one to listen to my head. My heart only sees the immediate future and that looks grim. It's like going into a really long tunnel. I know that I will come out on the other side, but I can't see the light from where I am right now.

The Thing About Depression

1. When you tell somebody that you are depressed, they try to cheer you up. Depression isn't always something that you can will your way out of. It's a deep, dark whole, so sometimes you need somebody to help you out. All those people standing above yelling at you to just get out of the whole aren't really helping all that much. Throw me a rope instead of just telling me to try harder.

2. It makes you stop doing things that you enjoy. Personally, when I am depressed, I have almost no energy. When I do have energy, I don't want to spend it on doing anything that I don't have to do. I eat a lot, watch TV, sleep, etc. I don't talk to my friends, I don't pursue my hobbies, I don't do anything fun or rewarding. I just mope around and try to share my misery with anybody who I trust enough to share it with.

3. People can't see it, so they don't always know that there is something wrong. They say that cancer is the silent killer, but I would say that depression is, as well. On one side, it makes it easy to hide from people you don't want to know about it, but on the other, people who have never experienced it can never understand when you do decide that there is somebody who you want to know about it.

4. It looks different in every individual. Personally, I tend to hide it from most people, so you probably wouldn't know that I was depressed unless you were actually there when my defenses broke down, or unless I actually told you that I was depressed. The average person that I encounter everyday would never have a clue.

5. Since it is different for every individual, there isn't one catchall solution. For some people counselling is enough. For others it is just a matter of changing your thought patterns. For others medications work. For still others depression treatments might include (gasp) shock therapy (known to work for individuals with major depression). Personally, I've tried the first and second options with mixed results. Maybe it's time to try medication.

6. You often don't want to ask for help. You think yourself unworthy or you think that nothing can help you. You also can't help anybody else because you are broken, so when people come to you with their problems, there isn't much that you can do. You can't get help and you can't give it.

7. It makes your thoughts scattered. It is extremely hard to focus when you are dying inside. When all you think about all the time is how unloveable, unworthy, stupid, useless, ugly you are, there isn't a lot of space in there for anything else. If one's work requires a lot of brain capacity, it's difficult to do when you are feeling like this. That's why the sleeping and TV, things that require no brain activity at all. Depression is an emotional issue, but it effects every other aspect of your life as well.

Anyway, there's a lot more, but I don't have it in me to go into any of the other stuff right now. Suffice it to say, I am not well. I need help, but don't know where to get it. Pray for me.

I am an Island

Well, I may have just alienated myself from one of my only friends here in Logan. I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't let people get close to me. It's amazing to me that I was ever able to let somebody get close enough to marry me. I think that because he saw a lot of my crazy early on and didn't run away, I probably realized that I shouldn't let him go. I'm trying to think of why I isolate myself and I know some of the root causes, but not all of them. First, I can't relate to other people because I operate on a different level (that isn't conceit, it's just true) and probably in a different way. That led me to develop poor social skills, or none at all. Second, when I was young I had many instances of being hurt by somebody I cared about. I don't want to blame my social problems on others, but twice in my youth I finally let myself be friends with someone and then moved away (and when you are a young child moving away means that your friendship is over...or at least in my experience it was). When I was very young I would allow myself to get attached to my dad and then he would disappear (this happened multiple times...I'm not angry about it anymore and have forgiven him...I'm even starting to have a relationship with him...I'm just saying that there were lasting effects that came from that experience that are still in operation today). Multiple times I would let somebody in only to find out from another source that they were talking about me behind my back. Third, I have and have always had low self-esteem. This makes it so that when I do find somebody that likes me and that I like, I don't actually believe that they like me (or that I'm likeable), so I can't trust them to know the me that is inside. So there I am. I am a rock, I am an island. Luckily I have a husband who loves me despite my crazy and a sister who grew up with my crazy, so I can be real with them. Plus, Jesus knew about my crazy before I was born and He loved me anyway, because of who I really am, not because of anything I do or say.

Mini-crisis

Okay, so that thing that I couldn't talk about before, I talked to my husband, so I can elaborate now. Here goes: I want to have a baby. However, I know that my husband wants to pay off our debt before we start having kids. At our current rate of repayment we will have all of our loans (except the house) paid off in fifteen months. That is just too long for me. So, I need to increase my cash flow in order to pay off the debt faster. Here's the crisis, though: I like my job. I really like my job and I'm pretty good at it. I don't want to quit my job, but I will probably have to. My options are a.) quit my current job (which I like) and get a job that pays more (and probably I won't like as much), or b.) keep my job and get a second job to supplement my current income. Neither option appeals to me, so it's hard to figure out what to do. I don't want to quit my job, but I can hardly handle working forty hours a week, let alone sixty with a second job. I know what I have to do, I just don't want to do it.

Here's the thing: I know this is the right thing to do. I went home to visit family and prayed a lot about how I want to be on the same page as my husband as far as starting a family is concerned. I prayed that God would change my husband's heart if he was wrong and change mine if I was. He changed both. My husband is more open to having children now and I am willing to wait until our loans are paid off (as long as I can speed up the process). I'm not entirely happy with it, but he's unwilling to budge and arguing is useless because it gets us nowhere. So, that's where I am. Pray for me that God would lead me in the right direction as far as which jobs to apply for and such. It's been a while since I have felt like I am in God's will, but I'm very sure about this. I know it's what He wants (both being debt-free and being one in spirit with my husband). I could use some encouragement, though, and strength. Guidance, too. Pretty much, I need a lot of help to really make this happen.

Home Sweet Home, Again

Well, I'm back from my trip to visit my family. I go back to work tomorrow, but I don't know how. I know that I was only gone for about a week, but something changed in me during that time. Something happened to me while I was there and I'm not sure that I can put words to it. I feel different in a way that I've never really felt before. I feel kind of like I have a purpose. I'm not going to get into details right now because I haven't talked to my husband about it yet, just know that I'm not the same person that I was before I left.

On a different note, I guess it's good to be back. I'm happy to see my hubby and all of my stuff is here. I will tell you this: if my husband wasn't here, I wouldn't be either. There's nothing keeping me here except him. It isn't that I don't like it here, it's just that I don't have ties to this place. My job is fun, but I'd leave it in a heartbeat. I have a few friends, and I would miss them, but we could keep in touch. I do like my church, but I could find another one. It just doesn't feel like home. I suppose that could change with time, but that has yet to be seen. I like Logan, I just don't love it.

Home Sweet Home

Actually, I haven't lived here full-time for almost ten years, but it's still home to me. When I was checking in at the airport the lady said, "You're going to Detroit?" And I said, "That's where I'm from." Of course, you can't say that you're from Utah until your family has lived there for at least six generations, so I live there, I'm not from there.

I always have some anxiety about coming home. The whole time I lived here in Michigan, I was a different person than the one I became when I moved away to Utah. When I come here all the old junk that I thought was gone comes back. Maybe it is gone, it's gone to Michigan where I can pick it up every time I visit. Anyway, I kind of had a breakthrough with the whole thing when I actually told my mom and step-dad about it. It's been a little better since then. I've been able to have a conversation without snapping at anybody. I also tried to talk to them about Financial Peace and my step-dad was interested, but my mom thought it was, "the easy way out." She couldn't be more wrong, but I told her that I wasn't going to give her advice that she didn't want, so I dropped it. It hurts me to come here because they are hurting so much and they don't want the kind of help that I can give them. All I can do is pray for them because they won't let me do anything else.

On a brighter note, the baby is SO cute. He is 9 lbs. 4 oz. now, which is up from 8 lbs. 8 oz a week ago. He's really good and hardly ever cries, except when he's hungry and when he's naked, which for whatever reason he really hates. He's so young that he mostly just sleeps, so he's really easy to take care of, which is why I could do so yesterday when my sister needed a nap. I love him already and I'm really, really sad that I have to miss him growing up. Really sad. When I see kids only once every two years they don't even know who I am when they see me. I have to miss all of their growing up. My family is really close and it kind of upsets me that I have to miss everything that is happening in everybody's lives. I'm upset that I couldn't be here when the baby was born. I'm upset that I'll miss all the milestones in his life. I miss my family already and I'm still here with them.

Surprise!

Well, here I am updating my blog from Michigan. I totally surprised my sister. It was great. It went something like this. My dad and step-mom went into the house ahead of me along with my brother-in-law's friends who showed up at the same time that we did. So, four people at the same time showed up on their front porch, and all went in. Then, about a minute later, I knocked on the door and my sister said, "Who else is here?" I opened the door and she had this shocked, confused look on her face and just started backing up. Then she started crying, which is a pretty typical response for a woman in my family. Anyway, it was awesome and she didn't suspect a thing. Also, I got to spend some time with my dad and step-mom, which was great. I'm here for another six days, so I'll let you know what I did while here.

Liberal or Christian, But Not Both

I'm just going to come out and say it. I'm (gasp) a liberal. I was born that way and have always had a liberal agenda. I don't see anything good in the conservative agenda and will fight it every step of the way. Here's the problem: I'm also a Christian. Yikes! I know there are people out there who would say that you can't be both, but I would argue differently. I would say that Conservatives are distorting Jesus' message by focusing on issues like abortion and homosexuality, while ignoring human rights, stewardship of our planet, etc. [Incidentally, much worse versions of abortion and homosexuality were occuring in Jesus' time, but He never mentions them, instead focusing on meeting the needs of those who were suffering.] Don't misunderstand me, the liberals miss the boat, too, in that they ignore people of faith all together. There is no place in this world that is completely comfortable for a person like me who is a person of faith and social justice. That's not necessarily a bad thing. I wouldn't want to be completely comfortable in this world. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to be.

Here's what prompted me to write about this. I was reading a review of the documentary "Jesus Camp." It's about a fundamentalist Christian camp where preteens go and absorb Christian doctrine along with conservative political propaganda. Now when people review this movie they take one of two stances: 1. they talk about how sad it is that the children are being brainwashed and say it's a great eye-opening movie, or 2. they start bad-mouthing liberals and talk about how the world needs more Christian values. The non-Christians are compassionate, while the Christians are spewing hate at homosexuals and liberals. It actually hurts me when people act like that on several levels. First, I'm a liberal and when they bad-mouth liberals they are talking about me. They assume that all liberals are god-hating, Christian-hating atheists. I don't attack them, but they bash me into the ground. Second, the people making those statements are the Christians. Love the sinner, hate the sin. Don't attack the people who do things you agree with, fight against the darkness in this world. By being so hateful they are turning people away from the one thing that can save them from eternal torment and suffering. Jesus loves people. All people. Third, people assume that all Christians are hate-spewing conservatives, which breaks my heart. I think it was DC Talk that said the number one cause of atheism is Christians. We should be turning people on to the everlasting, ever-present love of Jesus, not pushing them further away from eternal salvation.

I think there are a lot of people out there calling themselves Christians who are reading a different Bible from the one I have. Mine tells me to love the Lord my God and love my neighbor as myself. Nowhere in there does it tell me to hijack a political party and turn Jesus into a political platform. And it certainly doesn't tell me to attack anybody. Fight darkness, don't spread it.

Christmas and Family

We had a great Christmas this year. On Christmas Eve we went to our church's Christmas Eve service which was very nice. The music was good and the rest of the service was meaningful in a way that is hard to describe. It wasn't the typical Christmas Eve service. I really got to reflect on what life in Christ means and how it effects my life and the lives of those around me. It was encouraging.

We got some good gifts for/from each other. I got a teapot with an infuser in it so I can brew multiple cups of tea. It also gave me the opportunity to get some loose teas, which I haven't had before. I'm pretty excited about it. We also got a gift from our dog (he does that every year...I'm not sure how, since he doesn't have any money). He bought us a hot water heater that takes about thirty seconds to heat water for tea or cocoa or oatmeal or whatever. It works really well and it's easier/faster than the microwave. My husband got a pickup for his acoustic guitar and the Simpsons Season 9 DVDs from me. We also got some towels from his parents (which we needed) and some jackets from my aunt (they match...we're so cute). There were a few other random things, too. Overall, it was a good Christmas (I stayed in my pajamas all day). I made my first glazed ham, which was easier than I thought.

On the other hand, I really missed my family this Christmas. Christmas is a big deal for my family and it's always hard not to be there. Actually, I've been missing them a lot lately, in general. My sister had a baby the Saturday before Christmas and I wasn't there to see it. Ever since I was there for her wedding this summer I've been missing being with my family a lot. I miss all of them, and wish I was there. I moved away right when I was the age when I could start appreciating them and getting to know them as people. That's why the best gift I got this Christmas was from my dad. He is using his frequent flyer miles to fly me out to surprise my sister (I don't think she reads this, so I'm safe in saying that). It's not that the other presents I got weren't good, because they were. It's just that I really needed to see my family. I really feel like I'm missing everything that happens in everybody's lives. I used to be able to watch the kids grow up, but now that I'm old enough for that to mean something, I can't do it. I know that I've said before that I couldn't move back to the midwest because it's too flat, but now I think that I could live with just having vacations to places with mountains. I'm willing to sacrifice scenery in order to have relationships with my family members.


But, at the same time that I miss my family, ever since they found out that my sister was having a baby (I knew before them), I've been getting crazy pressure to have a baby, too. I seriously get it every time I talk to my mom. So, then I mention it to my husband because all the baby talk gets me thinking about babies and then it causes problems with us because he isn't ready. I finally told my mom that I didn't want to talk about it anymore. I hope she understands that I mean ever. I don't want to talk about when I'm going to have a baby ever with anyone. That is a matter for my husband and me to discuss, not anybody else. Because, really, nobody else's opinions matter. When it's time, then we'll do it. Until then, I don't want to talk about it anymore. Period. It causes too much strife in my marriage for it to be a regular topic of conversation. I don't want to upset my husband anymore and I don't want to be mad at my family, so let's just not talk about it.

Dropping Names and Christmas Things

So, there's a quirky thing that I do here and there's a reason for it that I've never really explained. Here goes. I don't use people's names here other than my own. Why, you might ask, would you avoid doing that, considering that your readership is about three people who know all of the names you might drop? Well, it's like this: One evening a few months ago we had some friends over to visit. During what was probably going to be a lovely visit I received a shock when one of those friends told me that somebody from Tennessee had Googled my name and spent time on his blog because my name was on there. That kind of weirded me out, since I have an ex-boyfriend who lives in Tennessee. It weirded me out more because this was the same boyfriend that I was dating when I met my husband and I don't know how much closure we really had, since I dumped him for another man and then married that other man right away. Also, I haven't talked to him since we got married, so...I don't know, it's just weird. I just didn't want this particular person to necessarily know everything that I was doing. [By the way, it didn't really ruin my evening. I just was a little freaked for a while and moved on.] So, anyway, if you were wondering why I do that, there's the reason: I don't want any freaky weirdos finding out about anything that you do because they read my blog (on the slight chance that somebody might a.) read my blog, or b.) Google you).

On a different subject, I got some of my friends together and we went to the cafe at my store to play some Christmas songs the other day. So fun! Everybody at work who was there kept telling me how good we sounded and everything. I love making music. My friends said that we should do it more often and I told them that they could have a standing appointment to play in the cafe, or they could just tell me when they wanted to come and I would get it approved. The best part about doing it there is that there's no pressure because there's never anybody there in the cafe. You can just come and do your thing and people will come and listen or not and you can just do what you love without having to worry about the details. Anyway, it was great fun and I hope we do actually do it again.

The Little Drummer Boy

There is a woman who writes a column for the local paper who I usually enjoy reading. I like her because she's a flaky blonde and she admits that she's a flaky blonde, so she can have fun with it. Anyway, she writes relatively entertaining columns about girly things most of the time, but once a year, around Christmas time, she goes on a total rampage about the Little Drummer Boy. She goes on and on about how she hates that song and how there was no little drummer boy at the first Christmas or in the Nativity scenes, etc. She really hates that song. I feel differently, however, and thought that this year I would write about all of the things that are right about it.

Okay, for those of you who don't know, the Little Drummer Boy is a song about a poor little boy who hears about the birth of Jesus and wants to go see him. He doesn't have a gift to give that is worthy of a king, in fact, the only thing he has is his drum. So, he decides that he will give the baby the gift of music. He goes to visit the baby Jesus and plays Him a song on his drum and the baby Jesus smiles at him, as if to say that it was a good song and He enjoyed it, as if to say thank you for the gift.

Now, I can see where a person would get caught up in the idea that there was no little drummer boy in the original Christmas story (although, since the Biblical accounts of the birth of Jesus span two years, it would be difficult to say that no little drummer boy visited Him during that time). [Personally, I think a better argument for not liking the song is that fact that it is kind of annoying.] People who get caught up in that fact, though, are missing the point of the song. You see, no matter who we are, we are all poor in comparison to the God of the universe. We have nothing to give Him that He has not already given us. We all, like the little drummer boy approach Him with only the gifts that He has given to us and offer them back to Him. The little drummer boy had the gift of music, so that is what he gave, and God was grateful. It pleased Him. He smiled. Here's the moral of the story: Even if you are poor, you can give gifts to God that please Him. He will accept anything that you offer to Him. And if you give Him whatever you have, be it money or time or music or whatever, He will smile.

All Christmas Music All Day Makes Stacy Something Something

Every day at work we have a short little blurb about what is happening (holidays coming up, sales that are going on, big local events, etc.). Todays blurb (written by somebody who has worked in retail too long) said this: Christmas is coming...too bad you work in retail so it will ruin the whole thing for you. It is so true. I love people and most of the time customers are great, I can't get anything done at this time of year, though, because I can't get off the stinking phone. Or, if I do get off the phone, then I have somebody come up to me and ask me where they can find a certain video (keeping in mind that I work in the totally separate and distinct Music department with the big sign that says MUSIC and I have to walk them across to the other side of the store to show them where their video is because they can't find the huge and obvious video department with the big sign that says VIDEO). I want to love people and I try really hard, but they drive me crazy. Also, my co-workers make it worse when they say that things will be here on a certain day even though there is no way to know exactly when something will arrive, or when they guarantee customers that things will be here before Christmas even though (again) we don't know when something will arrive so you can't make any guarantees. And don't even get me started on Christmas music. I love Christmas music, I really do, but all day every day for an entire month is driving me crazy. At least there is less than two weeks left before it will all be over. Then I just have to deal with after Christmas sales. Yippee!

On Underachieving and Being Sick

I admit it, I'm an underachiever. I think it's a mark of our generation. I'm a Twixter. The way I see it, I can work really hard at something and have the right job, the right clothes, the right house, and be absolutely miserable. Or, alternatively, I can do something that I enjoy, and enjoy life in the process. I'm unwilling to pursue a career that will take away my time with my husband or will cause me too much stress or will make me hate myself. My job doesn't conflict with my values and it doesn't demand more from me than I have. It's perfect.

That being said, I am kind of a workaholic. I like to work. I also don't like not getting paid because I'm not working. So, I'm sick right now and should have stayed home Saturday night and probably today, but I worked anyway because I know that we need that money. Starting in January I'll accrue some sick hours, so I'll be able to stay home when I'm sick, but not until then. I just can't bring myself to miss work. I feel like people are counting on me. Probably that's just narcissism talking, but who can know that for sure?

Feedback and Feeding Frenzy

Well, I don't want to say I told you so, but my suspicions have been confirmed. I really am good at what I do. My District Leader (our district includes all of Utah, Idaho, Wyoming and Colorado) visited this week and gave me rave reviews. While the other departments in my store got tons of things to change, I just got a few nit-picky detail kinds of things to work on. Mainly just suggestions, but nothing that I was doing wrong. The sales in my department are higher than any other Lifestyles department in the District, so I must be doing something right. That being said, I still felt really bad while we were going through things, because it was the first real feedback that I've gotten. Whenever I ask my boss for feedback he just tells me, "You're doing great. Your sales are up and everything looks good. Keep up the good work." So, since this was the first constructive criticism that I got, I was a little shaken. It turns out that all the suggestions he made were easy to do and I finished about two-thirds of them in one day and will have them all done by Monday. Not too shabby. [Side note: the reasons that I am doing so well are two-fold, I think. First, if you work as one working for the Lord, then you are going to give it your all every day. I work really hard and it shows. Second, I just do what corporate tells me to do. If you do everything that they tell you to do, then it really works, as proven by the fact that my sales are up.]

On a completely different subject, I went to two different functions last night that had tons of snacky foods, which I love. I couldn't stop eating at either one and probably had a meal worth of snacks. The first function was a meeting for the small group leaders at my church. Our pastor just announced that he was retiring, so we talked about what that means for the church, things that we need to do, and ways that we can strengthen the congregation during the transition time. It was a really, really good meeting and we all felt a lot more connected afterward. I love my brothers and sisters from that congregation, and by that I mean that it is starting to feel like my family again. For a long time I have felt disconnected from the church. We led our small group, but the people in our small group are kind of outsiders, and we did the music once a month, but our worship team is pretty isolated, too. We're starting to feel more a part of something again, which has been good for my husband and me. The other function was a thesis defense party for our friend. He went to the same college that my husband went to back in Michigan and came here about two years after we did to do a grad program with my husband's thesis advisor. Small world. He is leaving soon and he'll definitely be missed.

Back in Business

Well, after a short (or long depending on how you look at it) hiatus, I'm back. It sometimes takes an event or subject that makes me really contemplative for me to get into writing. Well, I don't know that there was anything specific that happened to initiate my return, but that's okay, too.

On my mind: Usually a couple of times a year some conversation that I'm having or discomfort in my situation or subject matter in a class or something turns to the subject of "your calling." It always gets me thinking about what it means to have a "calling" and what mine is. Generally I start looking around and seeing what areas of my life make me happy and what areas of my life make me frustrated or miserable. Sometimes I can only see the misery. That isn't to say that I'm miserable now. In the financial seminar we are taking the subject of Vocation vs. Career vs. Job came up and I started thinking about what I want to do with my life. The thing is, no matter how much money you get paid, no matter how much a job fits your personality, if you aren't passionate about what you do, then you're never going to be happy.

So, that begs the question, what am I passionate about? Here's the thing. I love change. I love doing new things, but mostly I love being a different person. I like the kind of change that isn't just a new job, it's a new direction. So, that being said, what I'm passionate about changes. When I was in college I was passionate about geology and Phi Mu, my fraternity. When I graduated I wasn't passionate about anything for a while, which is why I was so miserable. I had no driving force. I became a Christian and became passionate about that. Since then, most of my passions can be traced back to loving people. I have been driven by a desire to meet people's basic needs. I haven't always felt free to do it, though, because often that takes money, something that we don't have a ton of (although, when we achieve financial peace, we should have a lot more disposable income). I have been passionate about reaching the lost, about feeding the hungry, about helping people who are differently abled, about social justice, about fiscal responsibility in our nation's leadership, about the environment, . . . the list could go on for days.

It all comes back to this, though, what am I passionate about? I'm a person who is driven by her values. I value hard work, loyalty, justice, love, family, fun, intelligence, integrity. What do I enjoy? I enjoy making something out of nothing, despite the fact that I'm not creative. Let me explain. I like cooking, because I take a bunch of stuff that is nothing special on its own and put it together to make something wonderful, but I can't cook without a recipe. I like taking a piece of paper with a song written on it and turning it into music, but I've never written music of my own. I like taking a list of stuff at work and turning it into a beautiful display (beautiful is a subjective term), but I can rarely make the lists myself. I'm not an idea person, but I really enjoy taking somebody else's ideas and making them work. I can't be the boss, but I can be the go to person.

So, is my job a job, a career, or a vocation? Hard to say. I really enjoy it and right now I can't see myself doing anything else. Really, I can't think of anything specific that I would rather do for pay. Here's the thing, though, would I do something else if money wasn't an issue? I don't know. I mean, really, money isn't an issue now, or else I would have to get a better paying job. I guess here's what I'm really asking myself: what if we have kids? Will I quit my job and take care of the kids? Or will I keep working because I like to work. I do like to work, well, I like to work at this job (honestly, I haven't had a job yet that I enjoy as much as I do my current one). I have to think, though, about if its my calling, or if the world would be better served if I pursued something else.

The thing is, I'm pretty good at it. I'm not going to say I'm the best, but the department that I'm manager of has never looked as good as it has since I took over. Really. I hesitated to pursue the job because I was afraid of this particular department, and that mainly because it was always a disaster. It is rarely a disaster now, though, so I know that at least some of the problems before came from incompetence on the part of previous managers. Don't misunderstand me, I know the previous two managers of my department, they're great people. It's just that one was too hands off in his management, so that nothing got done, and the other's expectations were too low, so that she never pushed her associates (also she hates the job . . . she's manager of another department now and says she's only staying so that when she goes back to school the company will pay for her education).

But, is it my calling? I don't know how to tell. I guess I have to look at what I like about it and figure out if there is a better way that I could use those gifts. I like making something out of nothing, like I said before. I like managing a team within a team, but I can also manage the team (I have done this before. I'm not good at the administrative side of things, the details, but I'm good at managing people and projects as long as somebody is there to make sure I'm not forgetting something, because I can be pretty flaky. I'm also not a good disciplinarian). The thing that I wish there was more of is music. Well, I'm manager of the music department, but I mean music-making. You can't make a living doing that, though, or at least not much of a living unless you are really good, which I'm not. I just really enjoy it. I wish there was more of that in my life. As I've mentioned before it's the thing in my life that brings me the most joy. I need to be in a band (I know that some people would say that I am. I don't call my worship team a band, though, because that gives doing music in church the feel of doing a concert, which isn't the effect we're going for). That would round things out. I would have a job that I love and my free time would be filled with the thing that brings me the most joy. It's not happening any time soon, though, so I'll just have to be content with having a job that I enjoy and singing once a month. Not bad, really.

It's Been A While

We've had house guests for most of the last two weeks, so I haven't had much time to myself. Here's an update:

House guest one: Our friend got married on Sept. 16. His sister, who is a missionary in the Middle East, stayed with us for four days or so. She was really nice and totally easy to have stay with us. Oh, and the wedding was good, too.

House guests two and three: Two days after house guest one left, my husband's parents came to stay for a week. For some reason I have a hard time with family staying with me. I feel like they are judging me, so I'm always on edge. That coupled with the fact that my back was really hurting (I finally went to the chiropractor today) made me cranky, as usual. There were some things that happened during that time that I will probably get into another day. Let's just say that I'm glad that we are taking this financial seminar because there were some things that happened that cost a bit. That would have really upset me before, but I'm experiencing more peace about our finances every day. I'll definitely get into the details of the exploding toilet especially on another day.

House guest four: In the middle of our visit from my husband's parents was the local marathon. My husband being a runner has made friends with several runners from the area and he has pretty regular contact with one in particular. Well, he came for the race and stayed overnight with us. He's really easy to have stay here because he comes late and leaves early the next day for the race, then comes back, showers, and leaves.

It has been pretty draining, but we got through it. I think I had some spiritual breakthroughs during that time, too, which maybe I'll get into later, as well. I won't get into them now, though, 'cause I'm pooped. I've been working really hard and it's been good, but it takes it's toll on the body. More about how work is going later, too.

Job and New Shoes

It's Thursday and I have about 36.5 hours in at work already this week (since they won't let me get over time, I have to keep track of my hours) with one more day to work. Looks like I'll be off by eleven a.m. Friday. Not too shabby. Anyway, I'm loving it. I get to do whatever I want as long as it doesn't go against corporate policy, so I've been doing lots of big projects right from the start so I can have everything exactly how I want it. I'm making it my own and it's great. I've had a lot of help from the out-going manager and the store manager, so things are coming together. It's a lot of fun. Also, since I've worked there for a while now, I already know most of the stuff that I need to know to be a manager, so I'm ahead of the game (which is good, since the old manager decided to only train me about twenty-five hours over four days).

I spend about eight to ten hours a day on my feet, so after working ten hours on Sunday, I decided to get some new shoes. I had heard that Crocs are really good for being on your feet all day and that nurses wear them a lot because they are really comfortable. I had also heard that the Airwalk version of the Crocs are more comfortable and less than half the price. Well, I went out and bought a pair of the Airwalk ones and I am in love. I thought that they looked like slippers, so I avoided them for a long time, but now I don't think I can wear any other shoes ever again. Or, at least not to work. I can stand for nine hours and my feet don't hurt, my back doesn't hurt, my legs don't hurt. They look like slippers and they feel like slippers and it's great. I have a pair of black ones, so I'm going to try to get a pair of brown ones and then I can wear them every day. Yeah!

My new job

So, I've never really described what it is that I do here. That's kind of good, because it changed starting today. Here's the scoop:

I work in a cafe/books/music/video/video game store that also rents videos/video games/books on CD (yeah, it seems like a lot, but it's really, really cool). Before today I was a barista (cafe)/books/backroom (receiving) associate, as well as a shift manager. Starting tomorrow, though, I will be the Music department manager. I'm pretty excited to have something to call my own there. I'm kind of sick of being a jack of all trades. This will give me focus and it'll be good for me.

The drawback: It makes me feel like I need to get a cell phone. I don't really like them, but if I'm going to need to be more reachable, then I probably should get one. Yuck.

The upside: Big fat raise with benefits and a pretty regular schedule. It'll be great.

Financial Peace

I never thought I would be excited about a financial seminar, but I sure am. Growing up my family never had a lot of money, so I never learned how to manage money at all. Now that I'm grown up and married, I actually care about what happens with my money. Anyway, the plan is to get out of debt as fast as possible then save, save, save until we have enough that we don't have to work anymore. That might not happen, but we'll follow this road wherever it leads. The whole seminar is Biblically-based and, from what people who have taken it in the past have told me, it really works. I haven't even taken it yet and I'm telling everybody I know that they should take it, too. God wants me to be a good steward of His money, so hopefully this class will teach me how.

God-breathed

I just read my Bible for the first time in--I don't know--a long time. I don't want to admit it, but I often look for feelings associated with my "God time." I want to have an "experience." I know it isn't right, but it's true. I also read my two devotional books (daily devotions that are about two paragraphs each) and was convicted by this passage:

Have you been trying to work up some emotional feeling? If you lack "it," have you felt you didn't have the Holy Spirit? The Holy Spirit is the Spirit of Truth, which means He always works according to and through the Word of God whether you feel Him or not. Have you been seeking some ecstatic experience, thinking that would be the Holy Spirit? Remember tha tHe never acts independently; He always works through the Truth--the living Word of God, Who is Jesus, and the written Word of God, which is your Bible. (Lotz, Anne Graham. (2004). Joy of My Heart: Meditating Daily on God's Word. Nashville: Thomas Nelson. p. 263.)

I think the Holy Spirit works in more ways than just through my Bible, but I have to admit that I don't put the emphasis on the written Word of God that I should. I'm going to try to put more effort into my personal relationship with God again. [Side note: I'm kind of a spiritual roller coaster. At times I am really close to God and devote a lot of time to reading His Word and praying and reading books. Other times, though, I don't pick up my Bible for months on end. I wish I could be more consistent.]